graph TD
    A[Meeting Scheduled] --> B{Could this be an email?}
    B -->|Yes| C[Schedule Anyway]
    B -->|Definitely| C
    B -->|Absolutely| C
    C --> D[Everyone Pretends to Care]
    D --> E[Follow-up Email Sent]
    E --> F[Everyone Replies All]
    F --> G[New Meeting Scheduled to Discuss]

const meetingBingo = [
  "Can everyone see my screen?",
  "Sorry, I was on mute",
  "Let's circle back",
  "Synergy",
  "Paradigm shift",
  "Low-hanging fruit",
  "Move the needle",
  "I'll have to jump off in 5 minutes",
  "Can you hear me now?",
];

// When you get BINGO, fake a connection issue

MONDAY          WEDNESDAY         FRIDAY
│                   │                │
│   "I'm gonna     │   "Maybe I'll   │   "Code? Never
│    be so          │    write some   │    heard of her.
│    productive"    │    code today"  │    It's 2pm and
│                   │                 │    I'm done."
│                   │                 │
└──────────────────┴─────────────────┴──────────────────>
         Optimism           Reality        Acceptance

const slackStatuses = {
  "🟢 Available": "Currently panicking but accepting interruptions",
  "🟡 Away": "In bathroom, scrolling Twitter",
  "🔴 In a meeting": "Muted, camera off, playing video games",
  "💜 Focusing": "Gave up, watching YouTube",
  "🌴 Vacationing": "Laptop is open, just in case",
};

// The unspoken rule:
if (status === "🔴 In a meeting") {
  // They're probably available
  sendMessage();
}

// "This code is perfect. It's the computer that's wrong."

console.log("This should work wtf");
console.log("WHYYYY");
console.log("I hate everything");

// Commit message: "FUCKING TYPESCRIPT"

// Variable names become therapeutic:
const thisStupidApiThatDoesntWork = await fetch(...);
const whyIsThisNotWorking = data.map(...);
const iSwearThisWorkedYesterday = processData(...);

# Please God, if this works I'll:
# - Write tests
# - Document my code
# - Stop using 'any' type
# - Actually read the manual

git commit -m "please work" && git push

╔══════════════════════════════════╗
║  It's been 6 hours              ║
║  I've changed 1 character        ║
║  Nothing makes sense anymore     ║
║  I should have been a farmer     ║
╚══════════════════════════════════╝

// It was a missing semicolon in an unrelated file
// I am small
// The universe is chaos
// Nothing matters
// Time is a flat circle

// Commit message:
"fix: removed semicolon (DONT ASK)"

PagerDuty: 🔥 CRITICAL ALERT 🔥
Service: THE-IMPORTANT-ONE
Status: EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE

#incidents (47 new messages)
CTO: @everyone SITE IS DOWN
CEO: @everyone WHY IS SITE DOWN
Random user: love the new 500 page design! very minimalist

const warRoom = {
  actuallyDebugging: 1,
  managementPanic: 8,
  randomObservers: 3,
  helpfulSuggestions: 0,

  questions: [
    "What's the ETA?", // Every 30 seconds
    "Should we roll back?", // After rollback failed
    "Is it fixed yet?", // While actively fixing
    "Can we prevent this?", // (No)
  ]
};

// The fix:
- const timeout = 30;
+ const timeout = 30000;

// It was milliseconds
// Of course it was milliseconds
// It's always milliseconds

MANAGER: "What did you do yesterday?"

DEVELOPER'S BRAIN:
├─ Actual work: 2 hours
├─ Meetings: 3 hours
├─ Slack messages: 2 hours
├─ Debugging own code: 1 hour
├─ Reddit: 4 hours
└─ Existential crisis: 30 minutes

DEVELOPER OUT LOUD:
"Made great progress on the user authentication flow,
resolved some technical debt, and collaborated with
the team on architectural decisions."

TRANSLATION:
"I renamed a variable, deleted commented code, and
argued on Slack about whether we need microservices."

# For those intense WFH moments when you need to look busy

import random
import time

def look_productive():
    while True:
        activity = random.choice([
            "git log --oneline --graph --all",  # Looks important
            "npm run build --verbose",  # Takes forever
            "docker ps && docker stats",  # Very technical
            "htop",  # Looks like The Matrix
            "cat /dev/urandom | hexdump | grep '42'",  # ∞ runtime
        ])

        os.system(activity)
        time.sleep(random.randint(5, 15))

        # Occasionally move mouse to prevent "Away" status
        pyautogui.move(1, 1)

NEW → IN PROGRESS → BLOCKED → IN REVIEW → BLOCKED →
NEEDS INFO → BLOCKED → READY FOR QA → BLOCKED →
READY TO MERGE → BLOCKED → MERGED → REOPENED →
IN PROGRESS → BLOCKED → [HEAT DEATH OF UNIVERSE]

┌─────────────────┬─────────────────┐
│ CAMERA ON       │ CAMERA OFF      │
│ MIC ON          │ MIC ON          │
│                 │                 │
│ "Professional"  │ "Audio Only"    │
│ - Fake plants   │ - Still in bed  │
│ - Good lighting │ - Eating cereal │
│ - Eye contact   │ - No pants      │
│                 │                 │
├─────────────────┼─────────────────┤
│ CAMERA ON       │ CAMERA OFF      │
│ MIC OFF         │ MIC OFF         │
│                 │                 │
│ "Silent Observer"│ "Ghost Mode"   │
│ - Nodding       │ - AFK           │
│ - Thumbs up     │ - Gaming        │
│ - Actually coding│ - Napping      │
│                 │ - Who knows     │
└─────────────────┴─────────────────┘

const remoteDevSetup = {
  official: {
    ergonomicChair: "Herman Miller Aeron ($1,400)",
    standingDesk: "Fully Jarvis Bamboo ($800)",
    monitor: "LG UltraWide 49\" ($1,200)",
    lighting: "Elgato Key Light ($200)",
    camera: "Sony a6400 ($900)",
  },

  reality: {
    seating: "Dining chair with pillow",
    desk: "Ironing board",
    monitor: "iPad propped on books",
    lighting: "Window (sun permitting)",
    camera: "2014 MacBook built-in (480p blur)",
    pants: "Optional (definitely not worn)",
  }
};

Our code, which art in staging,
Hallowed be thy build.
Thy tests pass,
Thy merge be done,
In prod as it is in development.

Give us this day our daily deploy,
And forgive us our console.logs,
As we forgive those who push to master.

Lead us not into revert commits,
But deliver us from 500 errors.

For thine is the codebase,
The power, and the uptime,
Forever and ever.

Amen.

[DEPLOY]

*immediately checks logs*
*everything is on fire*

interface WorkLife {
  makeSense: false;
  everWillMakeSense: false;
  isThisOkay: "¯\\_(ツ)_/¯";
}

const acceptance = (): void => {
  console.log("This is fine. 🔥");
};

Cups | State
-----|-------------------------
0    | Asleep
1    | Zombie
2    | Functional
3    | Productive
4    | MAXIMUM VELOCITY
5    | Can see through time
6    | Transcendent
7+   | Has become pure energy

Cmd/Ctrl + T        → New tab (escape reality)
Cmd/Ctrl + W        → Close tab (hide evidence)
Cmd/Ctrl + Shift + T → Reopen tab (return to evidence)
Cmd/Ctrl + Q        → Quit (nuclear option)
Alt + F4            → Freedom (Windows only)

graph LR
    A[Join Company] --> B[Optimistic]
    B --> C[Productive]
    C --> D[Disillusioned]
    D --> E[Quiet Quitting]
    E --> F[Polish Resume]
    F --> G[Interview]
    G --> H[Accept Offer]
    H --> A

    style D fill:#ff6b6b
    style E fill:#ff6b6b
    style F fill:#ffd93d
    style G fill:#95e1d3
    style H fill:#95e1d3

const developer = {
  name: "You",
  status: "Struggling",
  feeling: "Like a fraud",

  truth: "We all are",

  companionship: "Millions of us",

  message: `You're doing great.
            The fact that it works at all is a miracle.
            The fact that you haven't set the building on fire
            is an achievement.

            Keep shipping. Keep learning. Keep laughing.

            And remember: it's always DNS.`,
};

console.log(developer.message);